just when you thought it was safe…

The Evil Raccoon Militia is at it again.

Fortunately, I know one member who isn’t.  The sight of this particular 40lb+ rebel on the side of the road yesterday during the commute home was enough to bring me to tears.  Tears of hysterical laughter, that is.  Before you go thinking – “Man, this chick is sick… what possible joy can be had at the sight of the miserable death of a living creature, regardless of his or her reputation?”,  give me a chance to explain.  He was HUGE.  And laying on his back, all 4 legs straight up. Seriously. Just ask Veronica, who I was on the phone with (with a hands free device, mind you) what my initial reaction was upon driving up to this sight.  Uncontrollable giggles.  I only wish my camera was handy and traffic was stopped. You’d have laughed too, admit it.

Later that night, at the pub with the girls, this little vignette of morbid comedy brought more laughs and surprisingly ecstatic reactions.  Apparently the Raccoon Militia is still active, even though Keith and I have been blessed with no attacks recently.  They ate all our fish, trashed the pond then left.  And they went to my friend’s house.  And my other friend’s house.  And moved into a vacant house in another friend’s neighborhood.  I’m warning you, they’re everywhere.

The most recent event happened to my friend Lorraine.  She was viciously attacked one morning walking out of her house.  Her quick thinking and sharpshooting husband saved her life by throwing the only thing he had handy at the time, an apple,  at the beast.  He hit her SQUARELY on the forehead, knocking her out.  (The raccoon, not Lorraine). 

A word of caution.  The rebels recognize the ususal bb-guns, maces, spikes, bayonets, grenades and know how to escape death from them.  However, Raccoon Miliitia members see apples as dessert, not weaponry.  For those of you looking to arm yourself, you should carry an apple around.  And start target practicing.  And don’t let them see it coming.